Let’s face it, for the majority of single parents, our lives change quite a bit when we become divorced. As our lives change, so do the lives of our children. We have to get by with less while doing more. There is less money, less time, less support. It’s a situation that can make us feel extremely guilty.
When I became a single parent I felt guilty a lot of the time. I felt guilty for being exhausted when my kids wanted more of my time. I felt guilty for not having the money to give them things like I did when there were two incomes. I felt guilty when my kids wanted their mom and blamed me for her not being there. I felt guilty for sometimes wanting to do something for me as if I was depriving my kids. Children, while their intentions may not be cruel, can add fire to this guilt trip. Just seeing their eyes well up with tears over my having told them no would rip me apart inside.
There is no magic answer but I have learned the answer isn’t guilt. Let’s face reality. In this day and time, divorce happens… a lot. While it was once a major embarrassment for your parents to be divorced a standard playground question today might be, “So, who do you live with, your mom or your dad?” Children adjust. So should we.
To avoid feeling guilty we must first realize we are human. Once you realize you can’t do everything and accept your limitations so will your children. Don’t beat yourself up if your finances are limited either. Children aren’t little bankers keeping track of what you spend. When I became separated I tried working two jobs wanting to provide a similar lifestyle to my children in respect to when I was married. I felt guilty because I simply could not afford some things. It doesn’t work. I learned children are much more interested in your time, attention, and love.
Remember; no matter how hard you try you can never be both parents. Dad can’t be mom. Mom can’t be dad. It took a while to get that through my thick skull but it’s the truth. Regardless of the circumstances that led to the other parent being gone it’s easy to blame yourself. It’s also unnecessary. Rather than focusing on what you can’t give or be for your children focus on what you can. You will have made major strides toward avoiding the guilt.
Mike Gowen
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